#thinking about that therapy log forever. anyways

[shiranaia]

Keep out. 🐅

[its-time-to-write]

please don’t be - ch. 2

I’ll finish the rest at some point tomorrow but for now, here are the first two chapters of “please don’t be.” lmk what you think!

table of contents and i’ll be good to you

It’s Roy who reminds him, you’re a little fucking prick, every day of Jamie’s life with varying degrees of sincerity. Because he has to remind Jamie. 

Otherwise, he’ll disintegrate under the strain of being Richmond’s star striker. 

Otherwise, his head will get too fucking big and he’ll explode. 

Oh, it was easy in the beginning. He meets girls all the time, smiles and flirts, none of them quite stirring his chest the way Keeley did. 

She’s off limits anyway, only took Roy a month of therapy to win her back. Ted’s gone now, Roy’s head gaffer, and Jamie does the unthinkable. 

He falls for a girl in a chicken shop of all places. 

He shouldn’t have even fucking been there. Roy would have his head. But fuck Roy, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, so fuck. Roy. 

So there he is, just looking and smiling like a fucking idiot, except you’re making the same face so before he can talk himself out of it, he does the unthinkable. He makes a move. 

Jamie might be a little fucking prick, but he’s not a big fucking idiot. He knows people; more specifically, he knows good people. He’s not entirely sure what tips him off that very first night, but he’s certain. You’re going to matter. 

Maybe not to him forever, but to the world? Certainly. 

It’s terrifying. 

“Don’t fuck it up bruv,” says Isaac, his actual best friend. 

“Won’t,” Jamie responds as he stretches his hamstrings. 

Roy, the bastard, is within earshot and gives him a critical look. “He already fucking has,” Roy says, and he’s gone before Jamie can retort. What could he say, anyway? Roy’s right. 

It’s fun and it’s light but at the same time, Jamie Knows. Maybe that’s why he says stupid things. Things that are a line on anyone else, but they come out strangely sincere with you. He doesn’t have time for this, he really doesn’t, but he finds himself wanting to make time. 

All he wants to do is tell you he loves you and doesn’t deserve you, tell you to be with someone good like Sam, but the selfish part in him wants you, alone. He doesn’t want to share you, to give you up. 

“What are you doing, babe?” Keeley asks over the phone when the sheer normalcy of your conversation begins to overwhelm him. “I’ve looked into her, and she’s not someone you just mess about with. You can’t keep doing this.”

Jamie does what he can. He does. He tells you exactly how it’s going to go and watches the words shutter past your eyes and into your brain. He can tell you’re logging them carefully, weighing the pros and cons. He releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding when you nod, slowly, signifying you’ve accepted the terms and conditions. 

He should feel better about it. You know. You consented. And yet… there’s guilt. 

There’s an awful moment, when his mum’s in town and he’s bringing her to meet you, and he can see you in the owner’s box after the match. You’re far away, gazing at the pitch with rain pelting down. Your arm is outstretched in an attempt to catch a drop and your eyes are half-closed and he realizes he’s excited for Georgie to meet you. The air changes for a split second and he knows.

He’s not making it out of this unscathed. 

One of you will leave. It’s inevitable. It has to be him. 

It’s inevitable. 

So he pauses in the doorway and makes note of how the air smells and exactly how you look before ignoring his mum’s expression and pulling over to where you stand. 

“The fuck are you doing, Jamie?” Georgie asks later, but it’s with concern as opposed to chastisement. 

“I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t know, but she makes me feel things I’ve never fuckin’ felt before, and I don’t know what to do with it, I’m going to fuck it up, it won’t end well, I’ve already fucked it up…”

Jamie does what he does best: takes. 

He takes and he takes, and he soothes his conscience by reminding you that you’re not together. Not really. 

He realizes what it means to love you when you calmly tell him you’re in the middle of a panic attack and something in him rages against the thing that’s causing you pain. He wouldn’t have known you were panicking, except maybe he would have, because you’re calm save the shaking of your hands. 

“Can you hold this?” you ask him, voice smooth as ever as you hand him your tea. “I’m going to drop it in a minute.”

Against his better judgement, he asks, “What’s wrong?” as soon as you’re both seated. 

“I get anxious when I don’t hear from you. It’s silly, but it happens,” you say so matter-of-factly.

Jamie says, “I won’t change for you,” matching your calm, smooth, peaceful voice. 

You reply, “I’m not asking you to. I’m just explaining to you why I’m a bit strange today.”

It scares him. He knows you’re not lying about any of it. You’re panicking, losing your mind in the middle of this overly-posh place that he picked because he knew you’d love the tea. It’s early into this… situation? but he could’ve predicted exactly what you’d order. Could’ve bet money on the spot you’d choose to sit. 

But he’s scared. How can you compartmentalize so easily? He can’t change his lot in life, not now. Football is his first love. Is it his greatest love? He always thought so, but he can’t ask you to uproot yourself to try to mold your life into his. No, that won’t fucking work. 

He wonders what you’re doing, if you’re toying with him. Is he just a passing amusement?

But there’s something about the way you say those words. Three of them, so softly, refusing to let him say them back. 

I love you.

You’re brushing his hair out of his eyes. 

I love you.

You’re squeezing his hand tightly through a crowd of people.

I love you.

You’re shaking his shoulders in excitement after a hat-trick.

I love you.

He didn’t ask you to. 

So why does he feel guilty?

You just look at him with those soft, sad eyes, all watery from tears and the guilt constricts his heart. Or maybe it’s love, he’s not sure, but now isn’t the moment to find out. You haven’t said anything for sixty seconds, not since he said he was leaving for Manchester in a week. 

“You knew I was moving back to Manchester at the end of the season,” Jamie says accusingly, because you did know. He can’t stomach the fact that you’re crying over him.

You nod silently.

“What did you think was going to happen?” he asks. 

It’s a real question. It’s a fucking dare, a wish, a hope that you’ll be the one to say you wanted to be with him forever, logistics be damned. 

You don’t bite. Instead, you say, “I didn’t expect anything to happen. I never pressured you. I never- I didn’t ask for any of this. Am I not allowed to be sad?”

Jamie wants to bite out, “No, you’re not allowed to be fucking sad,” except he knows he did this. It wasn't on purpose. He didn’t think. 

No, that’s a lie. He did think. 

There’s no point in telling you he’d stay with Richmond forever if it meant he could have you for eternity. If you’d only ask. Or maybe if he’d decide what love was and what mattered, instead of taking the easy way out and leveling responsibility on your shoulders.

It doesn’t feel easy, even when the remnants of AFC Richmond have all gone out drinking to celebrate their last bit of time together. 

None of them ask, but Jamie can feel the questions burning on the tips of their tongues. Seven months together… he wanted forever, but was too afraid to ask. 

Roy’s the only one who tosses back a beer and shakes his head. He mutters, “Fucking prick,” before swanning home to Keeley. 

He means it this time. 

Jamie knows not to text, not to call. “I’m not that kind of girl,” you tell him. “Once we’re done, we’re done.” 

He’s back in town and on your street, waffling between respecting your wishes and shouting to the world that he loves you.

In his experience, love is shit. It’s brutal and painful and fucks up everything good. But with you… it felt good. Healthy, even. 

And fuck if he isn’t going to be healthy. 

table of contents

[satureja13]

After Jeb returned and told them the unbelievable story Valerian and Lunatic told Greg (or Stefan), Jack was freaking out. Jack: "Lunatic - this little hellspawn! I knew he would kill me one day! (Evidence from -> the first and -> the second encounter of Lunatic and Jack). But! I'm sure Greg lied! I mean this version is ridiculous! I still think it was him!" And there he was - all the way back into madness... (Yes, you might have made great progress with healing/prospering, but there always will be times when you fall back again. But this doesn't mean it was all in vain. Don't give up.)

Vlad was bringing his best friend back on track: "Jack - please. Just let's investigate further and find out what really happened, hm? It might just have been a misunderstanding - a series of unfortunate events. I will go ingame next, talk to that demon and find out where your heart is. Then you can go back to Lou and continue your therapy. You've come so far already."

Saiwa: "Remember what you asked of me in Henford. That I should push you when you fall back. You are falling back right now, Jack." Ouf, at least he seems to listen. And it is good he's not alone with his struggles anymore. He can talk to his friends. Which wasn't the case during his relationship with Kiyoshi. And so he took a step back and trusted his friends. He can still freak out later when his presumptions are confirmed. (Omg, Jack!)

Vlad got ready to enter the game again. Ji Ho was worried. But he tried to calm himself down. After what Jeb found out, it doesn't look like there's a killer on the loose. So Vlad shouldn't be in danger, right? The Crossroads Demon just got a wish wrong and NPC Jack fell from his horse and broke his neck. They still need to find out why NPC Jack was so upset and where his heart is, but Ji Ho is sure they can all go back ingame soon and continue their therapies.

But when Vlad logged in, he was fully surrounded by stone! He couldn't move and he was still shirtless, like on that day he left Goldshire. So NPC Vlad must have been captured in here soon after! What had happened to him? ö.Ö'

Vlad logged out again. Now they have yet another quest: find out what happened to NPC Vlad. And now he can't even help to find the demon! Argh! (I mean the chances were low Vlad would find the demon because he is just as clueless as Jeb. He just wanted to avoid Ji Ho going ingame...) Vlad: "This is a dead end. Jeb has to care for NPC Jack and has no idea anyway where to look for the demon or Jack's heart and I can't go anywhere either! We can't ask NPC Jack because he still suffers from his post death amnesia. And Sai is on his island..." Jeb: "We could wait until Kiyoshi has one of his better days and send him ingame? Tiny Can made him the demon, so he must remember. But even when he's aware of where and when he is, he's still so confused with this game..."

Ji Ho: "There's only one person left and that's me, I guess." Vlad: "No!" Ji Ho: "I'll have to leave the Castle anyway to look for my King, so I can wander freely. I have a horse so I could start in Goldshire and I will keep my ears open for the local gossip, ask around if someone witnessed what made Jack ran away, who was responsible for the flame war that made the righful heir flee, find out what happened to NPC Vlad and find information about demons in this world - and where to find them. Four crabs with one stone :3 " Vlad: "Please Sai, stop him." But Saiwa and the others agreed with Ji Ho. The folks like the Princess a lot so they would be a good chance they'd spill the tea.

It was already late and they ended their meeting. Rain was pouring.

Vlad and Ji Ho have to keep their distance - again... (Thanks to Ji Ho's evil grandfather). So they spent some 'quality time' together to charge the Bond. That must do until they can embrace and touch each other again. It will improve their relationship, though, since they finally talk to each other. Which should make the Bond happy enough. Vlad: "There is no way to stop you from going ingame?" Ji Ho: "No. Try the Ramen, you will like it." (There are still a lot of dishes Vlad never tried before.) And then Vlad discovered the wonders of MSG...

Meanwhile Saiwa and Jack sat on Flamingo Island (Balcony). The view was not nearly as stunning as on the real Flamingo Island. Jeb and Kiyoshi retreated to Jeb's apartment and Sai and Jack could seen them clearly through the window.

Jack: "Don't worry. You will find you way back together again." Saiwa: "I'm not so sure.Jeb asked me to and I agreed to have a fake relationship with Kiyoshi to bring him back from the tree. How are we supposed to get over this?" Jack: "It was a -> fake <- relationship, Sai. You never did anything weird with Kiyoshi, right?" Saiwa: "Of course not!" Jack: "And it was to help Kiyoshi. You - both - would do the same again for any of us, right." Saiwa sight: "It sounds so easy when you say it like this." Jack: "Because it is. Don't make more of it as there was, hm?" Saiwa laughed: "You're one to talk!"

And then they saw Jeb - stretching his arm around Kiyoshi ö.Ö'

Jack: "It was an exhausting day for him investigating. I bet he's just tired ^^' " Saiwa: "Do you feel nothing anymore when you see Kiyoshi with Jeb like this?" Jack: "Uhm... Ach! I'll rather concentrate on my blossoming relationship with Lou! That's what a sane person would do, right? Kiyoshi and I will just be good 'mates'. And we'll all be just fine!" Saiwa: "You know Lou isn't real, don't you?" Jack: "Real enough for me. When I'm able to log in again, we can meet whenever I want and we can be happy together."

'There ain't no mistaking, it's true love we're making Something to last for all time It's never-changing, can't you hear me? I'm saying I want you for the rest of my life

Together forever and never to part Together forever, we two And don't you know, I would move Heaven and Earth To be together forever with you?'

Together Forever - Rick Astley

Jeb: "Let's go to bed, hm?"

The Therapy Game Master Post with the sessions and places so far is -> here

From the Beginning  ~  Underwater Love ~  Latest

Current Chapter: 'Who killed Jack?' from the beginning ▶️ here

📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 17-22 ~ 23-28

[busiest-bee]

Hi I need somewhere to be a cringe loser and this is The cringe loser website (affectionate)

It’s poppy playtime hours in the haunted halls of my brain so that’s what this post shall be about

Ms paint Dogday doodle for ur troubles (definitely not to lure you into reading my bullshit and there definitely Won’t be a catnap doodle at the end wink wink (there will be)

☀️I love Dogday with my whole heart. He’s so good and cool and I wanna throw him around like a rag doll. However. I kinda despise seeing ppl be horny an about him. This is bcuz Dogday is like a dad to me (personal headcannon: they used an adult for the bigger bodies dogday. This headcannon does not conflict with cannon because as far as I know the only bigger bodies we know the past life of (other than mommy long legs)

What do you mean “he’s so baby girl” that’s my DAD

Obviously I’m not like. Mad at ppl who think he’s hot it’s just funny to complain about people being into a character I view as a father figure. Makes me feel like the child of a single parent watching someone flirt with said parent.

🌙this also goes for catnap, except instead of seeing him as a dad I see him as a brother. My giant cat sibling. He just needs some love and care, a good bath, lots of food. I also think ppl who are horny abt catnap are weird cuz the only canonical age were given for him is 8 years old. Which, yeah, you could theoretically he’s “aged” but I don’t think it counts. He didn’t get the chance to develop enough for any of That to be even slightly appropriate.

Also I should mention if u ship the bigger bodies versions of catnap and dogday I think ur a creep weirdo who should log off of the internet for forever and get therapy. If u ship the CARTOON versions of them and AREN’T WEIRD ABOUT IT then that’s fine, I don’t ship any of the smiling critters but as long as ur not being a creep (aka being horny abt them cuz I’m pretty sure the cartoon smiling critters are supposed to be children) then i don’t rlly care.

(Love how I’m talking as if people are gonna see this and Actually interact lmaoo)

Anyways here’s ur ms paint doodle of catnap as promise (also fun fact the doodles I’ve shown here are based on my redesigns of catnap and dogday respectively. Ironically they’re not 100% accurate to said redesigns cuz I was a dumbass and didn’t bother looking at my references) but yeah thanks for reading my post

Also idk if it’s obvious yet but proshippers and other such weirdos do NOT fucking interact

[didnt-hear-cold-as-you-live]

unhinged infodump incoming:

so I had the classic 'strangely gay middle/highschool best friendship that turned weirdly controlling and damaging and toxic for both parties and altered you forever' (if you don't know what this is I can't help u). We've long since blocked each other on Facebook, and she's completely off-grid on all other social media. When we were still in high school we made a joke FB account for her dog, which I had the login for. So every now and again (like legit every 2 years or so I mean) I log in and see like, idk what her life is like, because I was literally a part of her FAMILY so it's just..... strange having no idea if she's even alive or what state she lives in?

So anyway I did that the other day. And I learned she went to grad school and worked in forensics & now therapy for people in jail, which is just sOOOO out of left field from how her lifelong dream when I knew her was becoming a vet. I saw she was engaged. And I saw a very bland exchange between her and the girl who "stole" her friendship from me, who she was inseparable with in high school and college, and it was clear even they were strangers who never thought about each other. And so it's just....... idk I've had feuds and falling-outs with people before, but I still Exist to them in that they're very much addicted to paying attention to me in some capacity and talking shit about me all these years later. Fan behavior etc. But it became so clear in that moment that I am no longer even a thought in this person's brain; that I haven't been in probably about a decade. This is someone who I had like. idk weird foundational gay experiences with and vice versa, who literally DEFINED the young portion of my life and is the beginning point of Where It All Went Wrong for me, and to her it's probably like I never existed.

I know how to be hated by people, but I don't know how to feel when the fire burns out. What does it mean to mean NOTHING to someone who used to be everything to you? I don't think about her for years at a time until I do these random check-ins, either. But my 5 year relationship ex and I, even, still share a phone bill, and are friends on Facebook or whatever. I talk about and bitch about him when I'm working through issues he created. Everyone in my life knows about him. not even out of hatred, just because... it's relevant sometimes? As is the case with any other ex-thing I have. We're all strangers, but we're strangers who still walk the same universe. This girl was my entire life in a passionate, burning Red (as they say), and now I am a someone who may as well not even be alive, and she wouldn't know the difference any more than if some random 73 year old man in Italy or somewhere dropped dead. You can't see everything from a person's socials, obviously, but to me the whole thing just read like I never existed at all. Does she talk about me like I'm Deep Awful Lore like I do her if it comes up? Does her fiancé know about whatever the fuck we were? Or does it not even register? Is our weird gay thing a deep dark secret that she locked away so hard even she forgot about it? I went to think to myself, "how can such a nasty bitch be a therapist????" and then I realized, when seeing the way her typing voice/style has changed DRASTICALLY, I couldn't name one fact about her personality anymore, and I didn't even have a right to consider asking that question. The same is true for her to me.

What a strange fucking feeling that I do not know how I will ever be able to place.

[jeanmoreaux]

atlas complex anon logging on for the last time

i finished it like two days ago and i have been trying to process it and i truly just….don’t know what to do with it 😵‍💫

the other death was SO PAINFUL ACTUALLY and i am choosing to believe it didn’t happen (bc objectively it didn’t! if you think about it!!! *eye twitch*) — bc why would you write such a lovely passage A LOVE CONFESSION IF YOU WILL and then fucking MURDER HIM…AND THEN YOU DONT EVEN TELL US PLAINLY WHAT HAPPENED (again, i choose to believe he lives on, mr security camera man)

tbh both of those deaths confessed their love and then she was like “that’s nice please drop dead xoxo”

(me trying to be vague about spoilers but also who fuckin cares nobody is reading this book)

anyway here’s the deal. i think it was all bad writing but i got so lost in the sauce in the last 15% that i could convince myself that i Appreciate the Ending?? like sorry i just am stuck on IN EVERY CULTURE THERE IS BREAD…but also what the hell even happened in this book and why was it even more convoluted than it needed to be

need olivie blake to pay for my therapy

so excited to hear from you!!! yeah, that second death. OOF. literally hated it. and right after that wendy cope esque love confession SOBBING FR. he has been my bestie from day one and he will remain so forever. i love him!! and it wasn’t that his death didn’t hit me, but it hit me because i Did Not Want Him To Die and not because the death was written well and executed well narratively speaking. ngl i read it and was like. this is so stupid. why like this?? after all the build up why at all but WHY LIKE THIS. also yeah the crumbs with the scenarios and security camera make for a range of possibilities of what *actually* happened but i have to say it felt a little cheap to me. like blake could not decide one way or the other and instead just kept all the options open which felt very unsatisfying to me. the entire thing is similar to what blake did with gideon’s last pov chapter (and both together exemplify my issue with the ending): keeping options open and lines blurry so that you can headcanon you own way out of the mess she made. which is not the great move she might think it is because instead of writing a scenes where she can actually evokes emotions because she commits to a thing completely and unequivocally it’s all so vague that the reader is never made to fully grapple with one outcome or the other. you’re left in limbo and that’s why you feel so disconnected from everything happening (at least that’s how it was for me). i love open endings but what she did wasn’t an open ending (given that it’s the last 30% of the book lmao) but a lack of narrative commitment.

i am so glad you appreciate the ending!! wish that were me!!!! i would so love to mske my peace with it but i Can’t. these characters deserve better. i read the last two chapters and just thought ‘that was it? wow. i feel absolutely nothing. what a shame.’ tho i agree the bread line being a banger. it is Very good. and that’s the thing there are some good parts and lovely sentences and sentiments (the love confession you mentioned might be one of my favourite passages of the entire series!!) but as a whole tac simply did not deliver in a way that makes the last chapter or the ending in general hit for me. idk it’s nicely written but the emotional impact is minimal because the narration did nothing to build up to it in a meaningful and nuanced way???? like i get it and i understand it and i like it out of context but it has no impact IN context because the story preceding it doesn’t warrant it. or maybe i am just too bitter to see it lol. veryyy real possibility.

also you are so right what even happened in this book??? sooooo convoluted. instead of paying for my therapy i want blake to rewrite the book istg like pls i am begging on my knees.

((also this answer is veryyyy vaguely worded too. but i am sure you Get It.))

[maurine07]

So today is fanfic writers’ appreciation day (thank you to @openheartfanfics for reminding us of that) and I just wanted to log in for a bit to show some writers my love because y’all are the backbone of our society. Without you, we would’ve all been miserable. So I’m just going to tag some of the writers that come to mind and while I would love to tag each and every single one of you but I’ll probably forget someone so I’m really sorry for that. You are all super talented and I’m in awe of each one of you beautiful people.

@terrm9 Terr, darling, I could write an entire book about how amazing your writing is and how much I love it. You’re an incredible writer and person. The writing style is so beautiful and unique and simply ethereal and I’m so in love with it. Every single time I read a fic of yours, no matter how many times I did, I always marvel at how one can possess so much talent. There is not one trope that you cannot write. How you write the characters, their emotions, you always know the characters and how they think, they would act so well, it’s insane, how you describe everything, the surroundings, what the person is doing, everything is always so perfect. Your mimi series The Couple & The Others is one of my favorites and it's comforting to me, it makes me feel at home. Cieli di Toscana is also a favorite of mine. I love everything about that fic so much. I also love your ch. 11 rewrite with the prompts "There are people who love you" and "Give me a hug, please". I adore the hurt/comfort in those two. The angst is just ugh- it's so good, way too good and it destroys me. As well as A thousand moons, a thousand waves, goodness that fic is just pure and utter perfection, I have no words to describe it. And How much mystery, this love of mine...wow. Seriously wow, I still haven't recovered from how amazing it was. It's so beautiful, they say they're so soft and tender with each other, it's perfect, so perfect. And of course, your you give it to me anyway series is one of the best things I've ever read and I have reread it so many times to the point where I'm not even sure it's healthy. I love it, I love it, I love it, more than words can say. And your OCs, Chiara, Lina, the Ray family, you always know how to make them feel so real. You are truly so magnificent and I just love you and everything you do<3333

@jamespotterthefirst Bree! God, where do I even start? Everything you do is out of this world. Other than the fact that you're extremely kind and funny, you're so wonderfully talented and I love you. The dynamics between Lilac and Ethan are everything, EVERYTHING I TELL YOU. I love how you include the gang as much as you do and how you write them. And while I absolutely love every single fic you write, For A Long Time Now and Most Beautiful will always have a special place in my heart. And I don't think I have to tell you how much I love Lilac. I adore that woman with my entire heart. She's amazing and I would do anything she asks me to. Thank you for creating her and just got being such an incredible part of this fandom❤

@writer-ish Kat, your writing is so stunning. Like, everything about it is so amazing. The way you write Brooke and Ethan, their banter, Brooke's sass, your smut, just everything is pure perfection. I love everything you write but makai is just something else. I especially love B&E in it for some reason, just them being so in love and soft with each other. And you know how much I love Brooke. I would choose her over Ethan any day. She's just incredible and Ethan should worship her like the goddess she is, period😌

@the-pale-goddess Hilde, my angst and smut Queen, there are no words, absolutely none, to describe how much I love your writing. Ma'am, is there anything you can't do? (Other than not break our heart further, of course. One of these days you're gonna need to pay for my therapy. I cannot count the amount of times I was like: I'm feeling pretty happy today. Let me go to Hilde's masterlist and break my own heart. I actually do that so many times, it's pretty concerning.) I'm so in awe of everything you do, your angst? Unmatched. Your smut? So freaking hot. Your fluff? Makes my heart melt. Running to the Edge of the World and (as much as I shouldn't be admitting this in public but) Cabin Fever are just amazing, AMAZING. Puncture Wound is also one of my favorites of yours, the angst, the longing. God, it's so perfect. Conquest is superior to anything, everything and everyone. And of course, Contaminated. That fic breaks my heart yet I read so often that I almost know it by heart. I love LOVE Ethan and Tiffany's relationship even if I am a bit jealous of Ethan. They're the OTP, period. And um... Can I please have Miss Addams' hand in marriage? Like, you can call me Pietro mf Maximoff because I will take a bullet for her. I may also have some unresolved trauma and mommy issues but I promise, I will not make her wait two years just to commit or run to the Amazon and sleep with a coworker. She's my Virgo Queen and I'm so in love with her. The point is, your writing is perfect and I love it so much❤❤❤

@monsoonblooms12 Manamee, you beautiful soul, we don't deserve you and your mind blowing talent. Everything you write is just beautiful and my mind cannot process how you do it. Your fics, your edits, your moodboards, there is nothing you're not good at. And you're such a wonderful person and it makes me want to cry sometimes. I love you, darling❤❤

@blossomanarchy I read your meet my MC posts (and I will get to reblogging those later. I have them in my drafts. I just don't really have any energy at the moment.) and I love Amelia so much. She's already one of absolute favorite MCs. I truly look forward to your fic (if you ever decide to post it, I will be eagerly waiting for it and I have no doubt it will be magnificent) And your moodboards are absolutely stunning. I could stare at them for hours, hell, even the rest of my life. They're so freaking pretty!!💗💗

@takemyopenheart Avy, you're so freaking talented and I love your writing super much. Luz is amazing and I love her more than words can say. I adore her relationship with Ethan so much. Your fluff is god-tier and your smut is just *chef's kiss* as well as your angst. Yours were some of the first fics I read for OH and I still love them just as much as the first time I read them if not more.💕💕

@mvalentine Mal, goodness, you are a godsend to this fandom. I cannot, for the life of me, find the words to properly describe how freaking amazing your writing is. Lana is a Queen and I'm in love with everything about her. Like, I need her to reject me so I can move on already. I love the way you write L&E. They're such an amazing couple and they have my whole heart (also, ngl, I miss them like crazy). Hold On To Me makes me sob every time I read it and it was heaven a moment ago is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read in my life, the sheer beauty of it, it's poetry. You're incredible, my dear and your writing is so beautiful.<333

@genevievemd Sara, from the minute I read your first fic, I knew you were an incredible writer and I was so right. I love everything about your writing, everything. G&E are couple goals and I love them so much. Your angst kills me every single time. Like, you seriously need to stop hurting me so much, I can't take it anymore. But seriously, you're extremely talented and I love you❤❤

@stygianflood Hiya, I just spent a good five minutes trying to come up with any words to describe how freaking beautiful and otherworldly your writing is and I couldn't find any because it's truly undescribable, in the best way possible. Like the Shoreline and the Sea and Bridge over Troubled Water always bring me an immense amount of comfort. They feel like a warm hug even though they hurt. I've binged your masterlist so many times and I still can't process how you're so talented.❤❤❤

@anntoldst0ries Ann, my love, I don't know how to put into words how much I adore you and your writing. It's freaking poetry. It's so smooth. Like I could be reading one of your fics and I come across a line that is just so utterly beautiful and I'm just like: how?? How can one be so talented and come up with such beautiful lines? Lost in Translation is one of those fics that I cannot process because it's so incredible, it's so unbelievable how you manage to capture Ethan's character and thoughts and emotions so well. Coda is just perfection, girl, your smut is so good. And as much as I love all your fics, Shinrin-Yoku will always be my favorite. I love how you write about Noelle's metal health. It makes her feel so real and I really do appreciate that fic so much. You're incredible and your writing is just so magical and I will forever be so in awe of you.💗💗💗

@gryffindordaughterofathena Dri, god, I have no clue how you do it but you always manage to leave speechless and awestruck by your writing. It's so poetic and beautiful and I love everything about it. The way you write the characters and their emotional will always make me so damn emotional. You're just so brilliant and I love all your work so much.❤❤

@starrystarrytrouble All hail Queen Ruby, our savior from the nightmare that was OH3 canon. I know you're not here these days but I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you and all the work you've put into this fandom so much. You're so so incredibly talented. E&E are god-tier and I love them so much, more than I can put into words. Secret is one of my favorites mainly because I'm a sucker for enemies to lovers but also because I love E&E in that fic so much. Also, Anonymous! That fic is everything, I love it so much. And Eve is just amazing. I love everything you create and I miss you💕💕💕

@writinghereandthere Ana, I know we haven’t interacted before and that I haven’t reblogged any of your fics before but I seriously love your writing so so much. I’ve read and reread your masterlist more times than I could count and every single time, I was left more in awe of you than the last. Your writing style is just so beautiful and so magnetic. Like, if anyone interrupts me while I’m reading one of your fics, they can say bye bye to the world. Your do you fear death? series is just something else. It’s so out of this world. Fourteen Hours is amazing, it was the first fic I read of yours and it made me fall in love with your writing, the first I read it, I immediately loved it so much. I love how you write Mariana and Ethan so much, they’re everything. And I'm so in love with Mariana. God, she's so perfect! And Two Days breaks my heart every time I read it but it’s one of my comfort fics. More Than A Drawer is also a favorite of mine. I love the domesticity of it so much. And Golden! God, that fic! How the hell did you write that?? It’s so fucking brilliant and I don’t have the right words to describe it. Also!! Finer Things is one of the best things I have ever read. I am an absolute whore for Harper Emery and that masterpiece just increased that. It’s so magnificent! You’re just so freaking incredible and I will always wonder how you’re so so talented❤️❤️

I'm pretty sure I forgot some amazingly talented people and I'm so sorry for that, truly. Your fics have always been a source of comfort to me. During some of the worst times in my life, I would always find happiness and comfort in your beautiful creations. Hope all of you are having a great day and I hope you know how truly appreciated you are💕💕💕💕

[actualbird]

Hope you're doing well! ♥️

So I have a confession to make: I haven't played ToT for a whole week now. I'm kinda scared to go back in because of the new event, (the Christmas one) because I'm afraid I won't finish it in time but at the same time I don't want to miss out on it so I have just been sitting in this limbo.

I think I maybe burned out because I finished everything? So the only thing I looked forward to were the events (some of the events were brilliant, some not so much) and in my opinion, they aren't spaced apart enough for me to enjoy them. I play this game for the story so when there isn't much of it, it's hard to just even log in daily - keeping in mind I haven't missed a single day since I got the game.

I really hope we get new main and character stories soon because I can't see myself being interested enough?

I'm genuinely lost because I absolutely love this game!

I don't know, these are just my ramblings.

I'm 👌 this close to sending you angst about Luke dumping Marius and Aaron accidentally telling the NXX team about Luke's condition 😅

P.S. The recent Artem fic - first of all, how dare you make me tear up again? Secondly, I can imagine Artem grading himself after the appointments, like: Oh, the therapists didn't like what I said, I get an F!

LIKE NO! YOU CAN'T WIN OR LOSE THERAPY, YOU DUM DUM!

I just want to hug him! ♥️

Okay, that was a lot! Please take care! 🌺

hullo, hibiscus!!! i hope ur doing well too :DDD

ooooohhh i can relate to this sentiment!! i havent stopped playing but i deffo feel a big mood at "events coming in too fast to enjoy them" like yep yep. im STILL processing luke bday and now theres xmas partyland!! before that, i was STILL processing symphony of the night and then RRG part 1 happened gbsdjkgsd

tho if it's any consolation, the current event Xmas Partyland doesnt have any event plot like Symphony of the Night or RRG. it's just a boardgame thing, like Summer Breeze!!!

also not sure if i u kno but it seems tot wants the global server to catch up to the cn server (i talk about it here and here) so that global wont stay 1 year behind cn server forever. this has pros (more stuff at a faster pace) but also cons (MORE STUFF AT A FASTER PACE, IT'S HARD TO KEEP UP, also it's fuckin up some of the relationship development espeeeeecially mc and marius hoo boy)

based on the cn server, we should be getting the Personal Story 3 AND Main Story 6 installments in February of next year, 2022 (the pvs for them for the cn server was released at that time, 2021), but again, with how tot wants global to catch up, who knows if we're gonna get it earlier.

i'd REALLY LOVE IT EARLIER. i want the main and personal stuff earlier and the events a liiiiittle bit more spaced out bc tbh, i can only write so much so fast to respond to it all HAHA (im enjoying myself, yes, but im close to collapsing at the end of every day so UH)

anyway, if ur excited for more story already, i guess one solution is to watch/read translation of cn server content!!! ofc only if u want, i used to be somebody who didnt want Any Future Spoilers At All, but then luke pearce happened and now im in shambles, i know what happens in future personal story, im in pain SO MUCH PAIN BUT ALSO it rlly bolstered my excitement a bunch, if that makes sense?

sdkjfsbkjBJKSD LMAO AT THE ANGST, HIBISCUS. as always, im very open to receiving angst hcs OwO.....just be prepared for me to find some kinda way to give it a hopeful happy ending HAHA, i have trouble accepting bad endings, when it comes to love....

thank you for reading "designed to send mixed signals, one image made up of different pixels" :DDDD!! sorry for the tears tho skjfbkjBK AND UR RIGHT. YEAH. THATS AN ARTEM THING TO DO (and also something i did back when i was having therapy, OOPSIE DOODLE)

artem: can i see the grading rubrics for this?

dr reyes: artem, this is therapy. there are no grading rubrics.

artem: oh. oh no. what do i do now, then?

dr reyes: love yourself, ideally, but we'll get there.

take care as well, hibiscus!!!!!

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[keep-it-light]

I Lived Next Door To The Gemini Killer.

I lived next door to James Venamun and this is my story. 

                              This all started back in 1971, when I first moved to Richmond. I was 22 and trying to become a independent novelist while dealing with an insomnia problem and family issues. I moved into a tiny apartment complex in a small but fairly populated neighborhood that was pretty quiet and close to downtown Richmond, it was all I could afford and I had no complaints..........................well at the time I didn’t. My neighbors were chill. They were average everyday working people with an exception of the alcoholic down the street and strangely enough my next door neighbor. His name was James Venamun and he rarely ever showed his face and when he did he always had an expression on like he was pissed off at something and didn’t want anyone to talk to him or even go near him. So I never bothered to introduce myself to him or anyone else, I pretty much kept to myself. I’m a loner and I really don’t like people and small talk isn’t for me.

                I often stayed up late and smoked a lot of weed so I could relax and think. I have a mild case of insomnia that causes me to have trouble sleeping, so staying up late to work on an idea for a story is pretty easy for me. I wake up to anything easily and because of that I simply say that i’m a light sleeper and after two hours goes bye and my edible has worn off I fall right back to sleep. Anyway...............one day as I was taking a break from writing I noticed Venamun leaving his house at 1:00 in the morning, and I got a look at his face when he was in his car. The look in his eyes was chilling to me, he had the look of an animal on his face. He didn’t notice me looking out the window or at least I think he didn’t, for all I know he could’ve sensed me staring at him and didn’t bother to look back at me, and if that’s the case i’m glad he didn’t. The hours ticked bye and when he finally came back it was 5:20 in the morning, he parked in his driveway and went behind his house to use the backdoor to get in { I know this because I went to my back window and could see into his backyard }. I used to always wonder why he left and came back so late, or why he would do this on a regular basis and why no one ever asked him where he had gone or what he was doing. After a while I started to keep an eye on him and writing down when he would leave and come back, how he looked and acted, the way he was walking and looking over his shoulder. Part of that was out of boredom but it was mostly because I was curious and a little weirded out by the whole thing.

                  Cut to 1972 { about a year later }                                                                        My log journal was almost full and it looked like I was a nut case when I was looking at it. Day 29, Day 53, Day 81 , etc. It looked bad. Then one night changed my life forever, and not in a good way. He left for the 198th time and this time he left his backdoor open bye mistake, and what did I do, I did something stupid. I walked to his backdoor and made the decision to go inside of his house and take a look around. His living room gave me the creeps, he had some of the windows boarded up and a lot of his furniture was covered with plastic and the smell in the room was just vomit inducing. I got a better look at his kitchen which was filthy as fuck and roaches had made a parade on the counter top, but it was the red hand print that was left on the freezer that caught my eye. I stopped breathing for a moment and then walked over to the freezer, I hesitated for a bit  but then I grabbed the handle and opened the freezer as fast as I could with my eyes closed. The first thing that hit me was the smell, a funky putrid smell that made me gag hard and cover my mouth with my hand. I opened my eyes slowly to then see a severed human breast and an icebox filled with severed fingers in it. I screamed in my hand and fell on my ass, shocked and scared at what I had just found. I got back on my feet and slammed the freezer shut and ran out of the house as fast as I could, I slammed my door closed and called the police, they showed up not that long after I called.

                       I was interviewed by a policeman and let’s just say that my whole story sounded a bit crazy. And when I say crazy I mean like “ I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS GUY FOR A YEAR AND JOTTING DOWN EVERYTHING HE’S BEEN DOING AND TONIGHT I DECIDED TO CHECK OUT HIS HOUSE WHILE HE WAS GONE AND THEN FOUND FINGERS IN A FREEZER” kinda crazy. The policeman understood though and was impressed on how detailed my notes on Venamun were, as it turned out he was a serial killer nicknamed “The Gemini Killer”. The police were shocked that I had never heard of him and had no idea about the other killings, I didn’t read the newspapers or watch the news, hell I didn’t even have a tv I had a record player. He would cut of the right index fingers of his victims and carve the Gemini zodiac into their backs and then brag in letters about his killings to the police, he was twisted. The thing I found the most frightening was how he targeted his victims, he killed anyone with a name that started with the letter K.................................................. My name is Jennifer Knutsen.

                             The police eventually caught him and he got the electric chair later in the year. I live in New York now, i’ve been going to therapy regularly for over the past 48 years now and i’ve become a pretty good novelist. But to this day, I still have nightmares about what I saw in James Venamun’s freezer and if he knew my name what would he have done to me. The one question I’ve always had is “Did he know I was watching him ?” and if he did why did he let me catch him?

[weedle-testaburger]

Cuddle Therapy, a Connverse oneshot

After Together Forever and Growing Pains I really wanted some Connverse fluff and to see the two of them comforting each other, so I did a little oneshot that mayyy have been inspired by these cute drawings by @dysaniadisorder. Enjoy! c:

Connie sighed with relief as the alarm on her phone went off to signal the start of her study break and she got to put her textbook down. The stress had been ramping up for her lately, and as she absent-mindedly scrolled through her contacts and saw Steven a few places down, she felt a twinge of discomfort run through her and switched to another app.

As she was browsing her feed, she was surprised when her phone buzzed and she saw a message from Steven reading ‘Can you come over?’ She wasn’t sure which was more surprising to her, the fact that he still remembered her study schedule almost to a tee, or that he had been the one to initiate talking again.

Either way, she knew what she wanted to do. Dashing downstairs and out the door, she woke Lion carefully, sat atop him and rode him through a portal, her feline companion jumping through it and going from outside the Maheshwarans’ house one moment to the beach near the gem temple the next.

Clambering off him, she ran up the temple steps- and then stopped a moment. After all, she didn’t want to make Steven uncomfortable by bursting in on him, especially if he had some gem problems going on- and considering how uncomfortable she’d felt when he had come on so strong with him. Instead of trying to open the door, she knocked and called, “It’s me!”

Steven walked to the door slowly and opened it, smiling shyly at her and saying, “hey Connie!” As she stepped inside, he paused for a moment and considered whether he wanted to say what he was tempted to, and decided he wanted to. “I missed you,” he admitted shyly.

“Aww, so did I!” admitted Connie, offering him a hug, which Steven gladly returned. The two sat down on the sofa together, grinning at each other dorkily. Seeing Steven’s dorky little grin reminded Connie just how much she’d missed him. All of a sudden, she noticed something about Steven’s eyes.

They seemed slightly bloodshot, like he hadn’t been sleeping properly. “Uh, Steven?” she said softly. “Yeah?” he replied, smiling a little harder, not seeming to realize his smile seemed a little too enthusiastic to not be suspicious. “Have you been sleeping properly?” she asked. “Yeah, I’ve been sleeping like a log!” Steven declared, chuckling. When he noticed her concerned look, he admitted quietly, “not really.” “I’m sorry,” Connie replied sympathetically, gently holding Steven’s hand. “Do you know why you can’t sleep too well?” Steven shook his head, and she replied, “If you wanna talk about stuff, you can tell me. I promise it’ll be alright.”

Steven took a deep breath, and then said quickly, as if rapid-firing the words from his mouth in embarrassment, “I’m sorry I upset you by proposing!” He was tearing up just from thinking about it again, and Connie hugged him softly, a little afraid at seeing him turn pink after last time, but wanting to try and comfort him anyway. “I’ve been beating myself up about it since it happened,” Steven admitted. “I feel like such a jerk for never even saying sorry.” “Steven, I never even said no!” Connie chuckled, stroking his back gently. “I’ve-“ Steven faltered again, breaking off the hug. “I kept having nightmares where you went off to Jayhawk and we never saw each other again, or the first time we talked after I saw your mom you told me you were scared of me and you didn’t wanna be friends anymore! I know it’s dumb, but I’ve seen stuff in my dreams before that turned out to be true, and I was really scared that stuff would be too!” “I’m sorry, Steven-“ started Connie. “What do you need to be sorry for?” retorted Steven. “If you wanna go to college and it would make you happy, I’d be really happy! I just don’t want you to leave me behind or forget me, or feel like I’m holding you back.”

“Steven, I could never forget you, and I never wanna leave you behind!” Connie smiled comfortingly. As Steven looked at her tearfully, she held his hands and elaborated, “If I’d never met you, I’d be a totally different person. And honestly, I think I’d have been a way sadder person. Not just cause of all the gem stuff, but because you’ve always been a sweet friend to me!” Steven blushed, and she grinned more as she noticed the pink glow of his skin was fading. “You’re one of the most important people I’ve ever known, and you could never hold me back. And even if we aren’t ready to get married- even if we’re never ready- I want you to be a part of my life forever.”

When Steven looked up at her, she noticed he seemed to have that star-like glint in his eye. She hadn’t seen it in a long time. “You really want me to be part of your life forever?” “Of course,” Connie replied, a little anxious he might be about to freak or accuse her of lying because she wanted to go to college. But instead, a wide grin emerged on Steven’s face. “Thanks, Connie,” he smirked, hugging her again and feeling her hug back. “It means so much to hear you say that.” “Aww, I’m glad,” Connie smiled. She paused for a moment, and then asked, “is it OK if I’m never ready to get married?” “Yeah, of course!” answered Steven. “I just want you in my life. However you want us to be, whatever you want to do, I just want you to know I care about you and to know you care about me.” “I can promise you that much, Steven,” Connie grinned. “And it means a lot to me you feel like that too.”

“Can I do something kinda weird?” Steven asked. Connie nodded, and Steven gently broke the cuddle and stood up before sitting on her lap, cuddling her and resting his head on her shoulder. Connie giggled, starting to stroke his hair, and asked, “What are you doing?” “Coping,” Steven answered in a surprisingly calm tone. “Cuddle therapy?” teased Connie, grinning at him. “Mhm,” replied Steven, sounding kinda drowsy, like he was ready to sleep at last. As he drifted off, Connie pulled out her phone with one hand and quietly turned off her studying alarms without Steven noticing. She continued to stroke his hair with the other hand, and silently mused to herself how cute he was like this, softly hugging her dozily, making soft murmurs of comfort as he drifted off to sleep. She wondered if she might end up sleeping herself at this rate.

As she felt like she might, though, something took her by surprise. All of a sudden, she saw a white butterfly, just like the ones they’d seen when they had meditated as Stevonnie. It almost seemed to flutter out of Steven, flitted in front of her eyes, and then faded into nothing. In his sleep, Steven smiled, and seeing it, guessing what it meant, Connie smiled too.

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

I go to therapy I promise, but sometimes having to write out my thoughts helps me process things and it feels a little less like screaming into a void if I do it here. 

I really, truly despise that mental health requires constant work. Overall, I’m ok-- I’m nowhere near where I was ten years ago, and that is a very, very good thing. 

But I’m exhausted. I’m so tired, and I think I’ve been barely holding it together for a while here; and recent developments have just... thrown me for a loop. 

I feel inadequate. I feel behind. I feel pathetic. I feel unattractive. I feel lonely. 

And logically, I am aware that  most of those things are just perceptions that I have and that other people don’t view me that way. But right now, I do. 

I feel both frozen and overwhelmed at work, and half the time the days drag on forever and the other half I blink and they’re over and I’ve gotten nothing done. 

I’ve pulled myself out of and away from all of my hobbies; I still sing sometimes but I always immediately delete the recordings because they’re not good enough or no one will care. I haven’t written much of anything, really, in months because I feel stuck and uninspired and at times outright bored. 

I sat in my car the other day scrolling through my phone contacts because I wanted to talk to someone and realized that I don’t have any friends outside of internet only communication that I felt I could speak with. 

The thing is, I feel like I know a lot of people. But I don’t necessarily have anyone to spend time with. 

One person I know asked me to be in her wedding; we have a long and complicated history spanning over twenty years, and that’s the reason she asked me. But I’ve only seen her maybe three times in the last two years, and I’ve only met her fiance twice, briefly. I’m having a lot of insecurity about being in the wedding. My therapist said that not being in it would be self care; I just want to suffer through the day and then never, ever see the pictures. 

Another person I know (friend? I don’t know anymore), I haven’t seen in six months. I tried to make plans in October and she and her husband said they couldn’t do anything until after the new year because they were working on their business (Amway). We spoke on the phone the other night... I asked a few times when we could get together. The subject was changed a lot. And they’ve got some major life changes coming up, so... I don’t anticipate much improvement there. 

Another friend(???) just moved even further away, and lately all of our conversations seem to be about her and what she’s doing and how she feels about things and not much else. I don’t talk a lot. She doesn’t like what I like. She thinks my hobbies and interests are pretty stupid. She tells me, quite often, what she thinks of my choices and how I spend my time. She’s not a bad person, but a lot of work goes in to everything there, and I don’t say or do much anyway. 

I don’t begrudge anyone being in a different place in life. I know other people who are having kids, getting married, changing jobs, moving... everyone is constantly changing and adapting. 

But realizing I don’t have a single person that I feel like I can just... call, or get a drink with? That’s painful, in the deep-seated ache in my chest kind of way. 

Sometimes it feels like everyone has someone, and I’m just filler. I’m fun when there’s not another option. I’m handy in a crisis. But I’m not someone to stay friends with, or to spend time with just because. And then I figure, well.. you know... I probably caused that. 

I used to have this theory that still creeps up now and then that I called the “time-bomb”. Everyone gets sick of me eventually. Everyone will get rid of me eventually. I’ll ruin it eventually. 

And I’ve since learned that that line of thinking stems from years of depression and abuse. Usually I’m pretty good at shaking it off these days, but when it keeps happening (or I feel like it does) it’s harder to ignore. 

I always figured I’d at least figure out my 2-3 forever friends that would always be around, because we build our own families in life. We do. We find people that we connect with and we choose them, and they choose us and we grow and learn together. And I figured I’d found them, because my early to mid 20s they were always there, and we were building and learning and growing together. 

But now it feels like I did it again. I said something or I did something and they collectively decided to bow out, as is their right. But fuck, if it doesn’t hurt. 

There have been jokes in my family-- and it’s not cruelty, I started it, I play into it, humor has always been a defense of mine-- where my parents have started hosting dinner and game nights with semi-regularity, or planning parties at the holidays. And it’s become a thing for one of us, at some point, to say, “Hey, if you manage to find a friend before the party, let us know so we can be sure to have enough food.” 

I never have any friends at these parties. I invite the few people local enough to maybe be able to attend, but no one ever does. 

I tried going on a few dates-- even though I despise it-- in the hopes of maybe meeting someone to spend some time with. But there’s so much trauma and fear there, I don’t know how to make it past a first meet up. 

I was dog/housesitting last week and I still went home every single day for at least an hour just to make sure I could talk to someone face-to-face instead of being alone all day every day for six days. 

I go to work. I go home. I spend 20 minutes or so training my dog. I climb in bed. I put on Gilmore Girls. I read fanfiction until I fall asleep. I wake up, and I do it all over again. 

I’m stagnating. I see it, I acknowledge it, I’m aware that it’s contributing to the feelings I’m having right now. And I can’t make myself stop. Which means that things are... not great right now. If I can’t strong-arm my way through depressive behaviors, then I’m already pretty in it and have been avoiding acknowledging it. 

It happens. I’ll get through it. I have before and I will again. But I’m getting that itch under the skin “I want to run away from here and never come back feeling” and that’s started manifesting in... shall we say less than healthy thought patterns. 

I’ll figure it out. I saw my therapist yesterday. I cried a lot. I’m trying to go to sleep at normal times and to cut myself some slack. I’m making lists and trying to get things organized in my home and work life so that I don’t feel as overwhelmed, or at least have a plan day to day so I can get some things done. 

I don’t know what to do about the loneliness bit. 

But I’m tired. Lately I’ve just been turning my phone off, logging out of messaging sites, etc. No one’s going to contact me anyway. 

[levi-inthesun]

Summer at Camp Duff

Part 3 (2 of 2)

Where Stella Opens Up

A/N: ONE WORD: THERAPY. These pure humans need THERAPY. Everyone needs therapy, but anyways. I AM SO EXCITED TO HEAR WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THIS CHAPTER!!!

Part 3 (1 of 2)

Steve wanted to figure out how you were connected to the upside-down and what events lead to your hip being a Demogorgon snack. So, when the sun started going down and the kids were off playing night games, Steve found you decorating the cabins.

“Hey there Scout,” Steve said awkwardly stuffing his hands in his jean pockets.

“Hiya Steve, what is going on?” You set the staple gun down and brushed your hands off on your shorts.

“Well, I was hoping we could talk, and since the groups are off doing night games together and we have a fantastic view of this sunset,” he said motioning to the view with a nod of his head. He motioned for you to come sit down by him on a log overlooking the lake.

“Okay, Steve what did you want to talk about.” You sat down next to him and nudged him with your arm.

“Well, first of all, you cannot blow me off again like you did last night,” he said pointedly. “Second I know you were involved with the upside-down.”

You stared straight ahead trying to keep yourself rooted, ignoring the internal instinct screaming within you to run away and never look back.

“Now, what you also need to know is that I was also involved. I know earlier I told you that Dustin and I go way back and everything, but by way back I mean last year when the Demogorgon’s attacked. Dustin found a baby one and raised it and then found out it was a Demo-dog, that’s what he nicknamed them since they weren’t fully grown, and I had a bat with nails in it, which is currently in my car because ya never know! Anyways, I also know that you know about Eleven. She’s the reason they went away this last time, she closed the gate that Hawkins lab made her open. It’s crazy but it happened.” Steve sighed, looking over at you to gauge how you were reacting to all of this. All he saw was a stone-cold face you were putting on and recognized it. He’d felt empty trying to deal with everything afterward on his own.

“Stella, dealing with this stuff is insane. I tried to cope with everything on my own and I found myself spiraling and I just couldn’t handle it by myself. So, I need you to know I am here for you. When you need someone to talk to about all of it, I will be there for you. I won’t force you, but please. Let me help you.”

You felt like Steve was looking straight into your soul. You felt like he could see all of the hurt you’ve had to deal with on your own. There was a part of you that wanted to just spill everything. You didn’t have access to a support system like this. The closest thing you’d had was a shitty relationship with an abusive boyfriend, and that’s saying something. Yeah, you’d made friends with a lot of the girls you went to school with, even had a few meaningful relationships. But once everything had started last year, you pushed everyone away, trying to protect the ones you loved from the horrible demons that were your reality.

Steve realized he was overstaying his welcome and got up to leave you when you stopped him.

“Steve wait,” he turned to look back at you, worry filling his golden-brown eyes. “I uh…. I don’t have anyone. You’re right, and it’s been really crappy. I uh… I’m not in a good place right now. I’m using camp to distract myself, but I really don’t know what I’m gonna do when I leave for school... Like… It will be so so good to get out of this place. Leave my real-life nightmares, ya know?” You looked up at Steve, your dark brown eyes were filled with sorrow and fear. “I just don’t think I can talk about it yet… But…. I will, I think.” 

You stood up facing Steve, you were only inches away from him. You felt your heart start to race, but wanted to take control of whatever was going on. You leaned forward a little, leaving a soft kiss on his cheek. “Thank you for… well… being here,” you whispered, before you walked off, lighting some of the torches you had set up for when the kids got back from playing camp-wide night games.

As it turned out, a few of your kids ran into some poison ivy and were spending the night in the nurse's cabin, leaving you with what you learned was called the ‘party’. It was you, Steve, and these brave kids who had also faced the horrible things you had faced and you realized that maybe what was needed tonight was a little vulnerability. These kids needed to heal just as much, or maybe more than you did. Steve needed to heal too. You could see it as he had pleaded with you to talk to him, to let him help you, that he needed the same. Even though you wanted to just swallow the events from the past year and pretend it never happened, it was time to open that can of worms.

You knew Max had recurring nightmares. She had woken up in a panic the night before and told you so. She was finally able to fall asleep when you agreed to sleep next to her.

El was struggling. You couldn’t place exactly how, but you could see it. You knew how much she loved Mike, but she was pushing herself away from him.

Dustin was loud, but that was so that the quiet thoughts that kept him up at night didn’t get the best of him when he was around others.

Will…. Will. You weren’t even sure where to begin. When you had met him, he was just a shadow of himself. He had lost so much weight because of the Mind Flayer taking control of him. The second time you saw him, he was even skinnier. He told you what had happened replayed in his mind. How he hurt other people because of the Mind Flayer. It was eating him alive.

Lucas was just trying to stay brave for Max. He was trying to be something solid for her to hold onto when the memories and her home life came to haunt her.

And Mike. Mike had at one point or another lost two of the most important people in his life and was doing everything in his power to protect them and make sure nothing bad ever happened to them.

These six kids were holding on by a single thread, collectively, and were slipping. They tried to have fun with the other kids, but it was hard. The things they had gone through pushed them to grow up too fast. They weren’t actually kids anymore and your heart hurt for them.

The sounds of their footsteps brought you back from your thoughts.

“Hey Scout, you okay?” Dustin asked, sitting next to you by the fire. As soon as he came over, everyone gathered around the flickering flames.

“You know Dustin, I’m not.” Steve’s head shot up to look at you, confused. “Hey, why don’t we all scoot a little closer together, you know, the trees have ears, and I don’t think the trees should hear what we are gonna talk about.”

The rest of the party, Steve included, scooted together.

You started telling your story, and once El and Max realized what was happening, they were on each of your sides holding your hands, Dustin was practically sitting on Steve, although he would never admit it. Mike was next to El, and Lucas next to Max.

“Alright, so you guys know that when I moved to town, I went to an all-girls school. It was great and I made a lot of really great friends there. One of whom got an amazing internship opportunity at Hawkins Lab, which I know you are all well acquainted with.” El squeezed your hand. You send a squeeze back and she rested her head on your shoulder. “Well, my friend found out I was interested in science and helped me apply and get the same internship. One day, when we were helping clean up after some chemical experiments, we were talking and eventually started to wander around the lab. That is when I met Eleven.” Everyone started to perk up. El didn’t like talking much about what had happened at Hawkins lab, except that Papa had done terrible things, the opening of the gate, and her sisters.

“Once I realized they were experimenting on kids, I freaked, and I helped Eleven escape.” you took a deep breath before continuing, “Nothing happened for a while and I ended up quitting. I couldn’t handle being a part of such a terrible place. I kept contact with my friend who promised to keep a lookout for other kids, but she never saw anyone after El.”

You cleared your throat, looking around to see your captive audience, eyes pleading you to continue.

“A year went by, and I continued on. School was good, I was dating a really great girl and I honestly thought it was going to last forever.” You paused for a moment. Allowing yourself to remember the last person to truly have your heart.

“You can do that?” El asked you quietly, while Mike gave El’s hand a supportive squeeze.

“Yeah El, you are allowed to date boys and girls. All of you are.” you saw Will get preoccupied with his hands and Mike blushed a little bit.

Steve smiled at you and urged you to continue.

“Anyways. That’s when I found out about Demogorgons. I had met Will and when he found out I knew about the lab and El, he mentioned something was happening and that they were back, so I went out to investigate.

I was out in the woods, by myself, I know, not the best idea. And I met a boy, my age. He was handsome and charming and decided to keep me company. I didn’t tell him what I was looking for but he didn’t really care. I think the Mind Flayer knew what I was looking for because after the boy and I parted ways, I came face to face with a Demo-dog.” You shuddered for a moment. It’s millions of tiny sharp teeth in your mind as it leaped on you and made contact with your hip.

“It attacked. I know you guys saw the scars on my hip earlier today. The boy hadn’t really left and was able to scar it off, hitting it with his car. He actually helped get me to the hospital. Anyways. After that, I started pushing the people I loved away, including my girlfriend. I couldn’t let her get hurt or be faced with the evils I was then aware of. After that, Billy and I ended up spending a lot of time together.” You gave Max a half-smile, and Steve practically choked on nothing.

“Billy. Billy helped you? And then you... You guys….” Steve trailed off, wide-eyed.

This time Max gave you a squeeze of the hand and returned your little smile sadly.

“Yeah. Billy and I ended up dating. He was the only one who knew what had happened. I knew he wouldn’t think I was crazy because he saw it. Hell, I thought I was crazy….” You paused again trying to get your composure back. Anytime Billy came up, so did a whole new can of horrible worms.

“Billy and I were together for a while. I would help clean him up when Neil took his anger out on him, and Billy would help calm me down when the nightmares started. Pretty soon, the nightmares never stopped, and I started seeing these dark, visions during the day. The Mind Flayer was always there. Always telling me to do these terrible things and controlled me. I ended up going to the new Hawkins Lab trying to find out what was happening to me.” You looked over to Will, who was staring at you wide-eyed. He hadn’t known you had gone through something like he had.

“It got worse once I was back at Hawkins Lab. One time, I found myself waking up in this dark, cold tunnel that connected to the lab. I could hear the Demo-dogs in other tunnels, so I ran. They eventually caught up to me, and one of them got a good bite out of my ribcage. Then they were called away, and I somehow made it to a hospital. I think I had called Billy.

After that night, Billy said I was just looking for all this trouble, and started saying I was insane and pretty soon, we weren’t taking care of each other anymore. He was causing twice the amount of pain, and I was left to pick up the pieces. I uh, was finally able to get out of being with him when I found him kissing someone else. But, that was just a few weeks ago, and he left me with something to remember him by.”

You held out your arm, pulling up your sleeve to show deep scratches on the inside of your arm near your bicep.

“I don’t really sleep at night. When I do, it is filled with either nightmares of the upside-down, or nightmares of Billy.”

You put your arm around Max, who had started crying. After she calmed down a little, she began telling you guys about what was happening at home.

“Neil isn’t letting him leave for another month out of punishment,” she said wiping her eyes, “ and Billy has started taking it out on me, worse than before. Um..” Max started sniffing more and let out a sob, “Billy hit me before we left to come here.”

Max broke down.

You cried with her.

Will spoke up, sniffing, “The Mind Flayer is always in my dreams. I have a notebook full of what happens in them. I keep trying to get it out of my mind, but I don’t think I will ever be able to escape.” While Max was talking, Will had moved to sit next to Mike, who was now holding both of his best friends.

Next, Mike openly wept about how hard it was losing Will and El. And that even though he and El weren’t really ‘together’ together, that they would always be best friends.

After Dustin and Lucas tried to muscle through talking about their own problems they faced because of the events that had taken place, Steve finally spoke up.

“Um… I don’t really sleep either.” He said, adjusting the arm he had around Dustin, who had finally broken down and was shaking slightly. “If I do, all I dream of is what happened at the junkyard, except, in my dreams, the Demo-dogs get you all. I can’t protect you guys. In my dreams, I’m useless, watching from the sidelines as they tear everyone apart.” Steve visibly shudders, images playing behind his eyes.

“I have a nail bat in my car, and one under my bed at all times. I never feel safe. I always feel like danger is around the corner.” He swallowed loudly, and let tears slide down his face. He closed his eyes for a minute and focused on his breathing.

“Guys, I am afraid to leave. I’m afraid that if I leave Hawkins to go to College that I won’t be able to protect you guys anymore. I know you have each other, and Joyce and Hopper, but I feel this responsibility for you guys. I just… I can’t let anything happen again.”

Once Steve finished, everyone sat, staring at the fire. Max and El were whispering to you quietly, and Mike and Will were holding each other when Will spoke up.

“Hey guys, I uh, I actually feel a lot better, having talked about this..”

“I do too,” Dustin said, and the others nodded in agreement.

“Okay then Y'all, I suggest a pact.” You said turning to look at everyone, “That if we ever need to talk to someone, we can 100% go to each other. Are we all in agreement?” you asked.

Once everyone agreed, you pulled those around you closer and motioned for the others to come too.

“We are going to hug this out now, no objections” and without a signal word of dissent, everyone came in close, hugging each other tightly.

After that Steve was able to find lighter things to talk about before everyone went to bed.

“Hey actually, you guys, I don’t know about you, but these stars are amazing. I think we should all sleep outside tonight.” He looked at you, a soft smile on his lips, and wisdom in his eyes. He sure knew these kids and knew they would all need to be close to each other.

They were all so excited that they ran to get into their pj’s and grab their sleeping bags. There was a little field right next to your area that you all set up in. After whispering together for a few minutes, the kids declared that they wanted to be in a little circle with their sleeping bags. They all set theirs out quickly, leaving only two spots open next to each other for you and Steve.

Once everyone was in their bags, you went around to each of them giving them a big hug, and telling each one how proud you were of them for being brave enough to share what was going on with them. You finished with the kids and suddenly realized it was just Steve left, who was wiggling his eyebrows at you.

You smiled and embraced him in a warm hug, which lasted much longer than any of the other hugs, except for maybe Max and El, who kept you there much longer than any of the boys had.

You could feel yourself relaxing as Steve held you, and you felt a rogue tear slip out. You shifted slightly so that your face was in the crook of Steve’s neck, instead of being buried in his chest.

“Hey Steve?” you said quietly.

“Hmm” he breathed out, pulling you closer to him.

“Thank you.” You tighten your grip on him, “None of this would have happened if it weren’t for you talking to me earlier.”

Steve pulled away slightly so he could look at you.

“Well, that and some kids falling into poison ivy,” he said smiling, “It seems everything has worked out as it ought to.”

You nodded, tearing your eyes away from Steve’s to look over at the now sleeping kids. “Steve, their so young. Why did this have to happen to them?”

“I don’t know, Stella. I honestly don’t. But, I doubt any other group of kids would have been able to handle it like they have. Also…” Steve turned back to look at you, grabbing your hands. He closed his eyes for a moment as he continued, “I can’t believe what Billy did to you, and to Max. It just… It makes me so mad!” His voice started to rise in volume as he began to feel a whole new anger towards the town’s resident bad boy.

“Shhh, it’s okay... I mean, it’s not, but it’s already happened. What we need to do is make sure Billy never touches Max again. She doesn’t deserve this.” you shook your head slightly, wanting to protect the girl from what happened to you.

“Um… Stella, can I see…” he nodded to where the scratch marks are on your arm. You gave him a slight nod and held your arm out. Steve carefully shifted your sleeve up. He delicately touched the four, still angry and red marks. You closed your eyes at his touch.

Ever since Billy had gotten his hands on you, you forget what it was like to be touched softly, to be truly cared for.

You and Steve stayed up talking a while longer in your respective sleeping bags, eventually drifting off mid-conversation.

Steve was awake a little longer and watched as you peacefully surrendered to sleep. Amazed at the selflessness you possessed. He knew you weren’t ready to talk, and yet, for the sake of those amazing kids, you opened up all the wounds you had been trying to hide, including ones that you didn’t necessarily have too, but did for the sake of Max.

When Steve finally fell asleep, it was with a smile on his face.

The Demo-dogs didn’t attack in his dreams that night.

Part 4

[maimeelai]

7, 14, 17

munday styles & preferences. // @ipagtanggcl ♥

#7. Do you project onto your muses at all, giving them similar issues or traits to your own? What is your opinion on people who do this? Yes, I do. And I think it is quite expected and inevitable as a writer to project a little, especially with original characters. It is a manner of one’s expression after all and where else do I gather some my inspiration but daily life events? Having said that, I’m careful in doing so because I didn’t want roleplay to become my therapy, you know? And I have issues or traits that wouldn’t really be applicable to the characters I play - and vice versa.

#14. What is your opinion on formatting, editing and icons within the community? How do you style your own, do they differ from muse to muse? I admire people who make a lot of effort in formatting, editing & using those beautiful icons for roleplay. I get a little envious seeing them fancy googledocs or graphics sometimes. As for me, I just like the look of small text in my writing, and I only make my icons through pixlr as I have zero photoshop skills. I could learn it, maybe - eventually - but in all honesty, I have little time for writing as it is, and I’m aiming for the least stressful experience possible. ♥ Anyway, I respect all those who format, edit and make their blogs very aesthetically pleasing and I also respect those who preferred not to do any of those. Formatting or none, it never really mattered to me.

#17. Are you confident in sending memes, liking for starters, etc.? Is there anything you’d like your followers to know about your anxiety? Ups and downs. There are times when I feel like I’ve sent too much - and that maybe this mutual will now find me annoying, and so I decide to back away. As for my anxiety ------ooooohhh boy. Well, to tell you the truth, it can get pretty bad sometimes. There are days when I literally think you are all annoyed and sick of me and don’t want me to be around anymore. Question myself constantly if I am just fooling myself with this writing, that I’m no good, that nobody really likes me and my writing. And every time I try to speak up about something, even as simple as sharing an inspo or a post that reminded me of our muses, I’ve actually thought about that like 10x before I send it your way. And then when you don’t reply straight away, I will think about it 10x again if I said anything wrong. But that’s just me and my anxiety being a bitch, villainizing everyone else when most you have just been so so so so lovely and welcoming and accepting. Yes, I’ve had bad experiences in the past, but they’re long gone and my for the past say five years, I’ve had the safest rp dash thus far. Anyway, I’m coping, and most days I talk myself down, I log off, I take a walk, I do something else. But yeah, anxiety’s a bitch and it needs to leave us all alone forever and ever. 

[diana-panda]

wow I can’t even remember the last time I logged onto Tumblr. This place used to be my life, I even had to reset my password to log back on here. i’m amazed that I still have followers. looking at things I used to blog about is so bittersweet, I legitimately feel the things I felt back in the days. shit was really changed since then. been broken over and over and having to grow bigger and bigger. I decided every few years I'll make a  post, a lil update of my life so I can  continue to self reflect on the shit I wanna change. considering I know absolutely none of my followers, this is the perf place for me to just unload a bunch sack load of shit. covid was crazy this year, survived that shit and realize all those years smoking have really fucked my lungs up. today I got another call from Dahni, who I still consider as my best friend forever. one day when we both got our shit together and both thinking straight again, I know we’ll be able to be friends like we used to. I never pick up to phone numbers I don’t know but every fuckin time I randomly choose to pick up to a rando number - it’s Dahni. this is the 5th time she has called me from a mental hospital. it’s crazy, never thought my life would have be me working in a mental hospital and her coming in and out of one. after all these years, you’ve probs haven’t seen her in 3 years - but she has never ever forgot your phone number, even when she has completely lost her mind. she literally doesn't make sense when she talks. at the beginning, you sometimes understood the shit she said and understood what she meant and felt because you were that fuckin close to losing your whole damn mind before you decided to get sober. still so proud of you choosing to be sober, even after probation, even after drug tests. Dahni still remembers your literal exact address. she said she’s been sending you letters for the past 2-3 years but you haven’t seen shit, especially because you moved to Milwaukee this year. you texted daddy but he said he ain’t seen shit, probs lying, he would hide this shit from you. he always hated her but he doesn’t understand that it was actually you who got her into drugs in the first place. I pray all the time Dahni has completely lost herself or she’ll be able to return to herself again, I miss having my best friend around. after the call, you looked at oldddd ass pics like 2015 shit, yall were the craziest - up and just went to alberqueque, breaking into hotels and creating body slides out of tables and chairs in the ballroom, tripping at the trail of lights and deciding to just walk towards the Austin skyline, there were so many pics I don’t even know where we’re at. I miss that life with you dude, not giving two shits about anything and doing whatever we could to just live life. you were the one person I connect with in such a weird way. anyway 2020 was the year I had to finally grow up, and I can’t be more proud. the reason I got sober was because I was drugged then gang raped in 2016, but I have finally accepted that it happened and I am finally moving past it. your ptsd and anxiety was debilitating. months of therapy with no progress, Janet your psychologist thought the best option was drugs to calm you down but you refused, mommy had to move down to San Antonio with you, you got daddy to install security cameras around the house, you went to 3 different police stations and 2 different apple stores because you thought you were being tracked, a panic attack literally every fuckin day, you got your first gun - but damn shit has changed. I think when you got rogue, that was the start of your life changing around. you used to walk her literally only on your street but now you can walk her for hours anywhere. you got control of your own life again. texas sunshines helped you tremendously, you met a few life long friends - even though you made some besties but ended up losing them - either way, they helped you return back to your old self, the free spirit and careless golden wild beautiful soul you had. exposure therapy - that shit works. going to 6th every weekend, even a couple times a weekend helped you a lot. you had only a couple freak outs where you let your anxiety take over you but there was progress. you have grown so much the past 4 years, it’s honestly mind blowing because you used to be at rock bottom. you legit lost your mind at one point, legit rock bottom, even hearing voices and seeing shit, Janet said drug induced psychosis - but your resiliency and strong heart and soul helped you, with the help of god of course. you were in such a dark place but getting through that helped you be where you are now. but none of this could've happened without the help of your parents - they taught you the definition of unconditional love. maybe that’s why Dahni is still battling this love and hate relationship with drugs - she doesn’t have this support system like you. your parents never gave up on you dude, like how am I ever gonna repay them, because if it wasn’t for them - I'd literally be dead long ago. you still have only told a few of your close friends. Dahni and Mikayla a year after it happened. kiara, erin, and Gracie 3 years after it happened. maybe that’s all that ever has to know. this shit don’t define your life anymore girl. it sucked but you have let that shit take enough of your life. no more living in the past. you live and you learn. stop thinking of ways how you’ll somehow find these fuckers and make them pay, they’ll get what’s coming to them. I used to pray everyday these fuckers got killed and died a horrible and painful death but you’re letting them win every time you waste a second thinking about them. just be thankful you got out of that shit alive. you have this deep rooted reputation of a party girl. but never forget, daddy defended you when yall had guests over once - “yes she parties a lot, but she also studies hard too.” you’re legit a UT grad, you got into grad school - which you are killing. you’ve never been a straight A student but now you are in grad school whaaat. but you know if you studied this much and this hard during UT - you would’ve had a higher gpa, but no regrets. ever!! my time at UT was truly a blessing - it was the best time and worst time ever. that was boot camp training you to be resilient. you used to think you were being punished for having to move to Milwaukee for grad school but that was the biggest blessing in disguise. Jim howard was right, even if I did get accepted into UT’s msn program - I shouldn’t go or stay anywhere near Austin, I have too many distractions here, I would’ve failed out immediately - I need to start thinking like a healthcare provider, people’s literal lives will be in your hands. you can’t kill no one dude, losing your license will actually be the end of yo life and all this school and bullshit would’ve been for nothing. Milwaukee was rough at the beginning but you’ve grown to fall in love and appreciate its true beauty. you needed a break from Austin, it’ll always be your endgame and it aint going anywhere. you got to start over, start fresh, grow up, it was exactly what you needed. Milwaukee was the place where you defeated your ptsd, your annoying anxiety - I mean yeah sometimes you do psych yourself out but you have made the craziest progress, even Janet is so surprised and proud of you! you fuckin live alone and do a damn good job of it. but it wouldn’t have happened without Lola. rogue saved you 4 years ago and now Lola has saved you. they are both fuckin wild and misbehaving, but I am sooooo thankful I have them in my life. god put the most perfect dogs into my life, they helped you be where you’re at today. you even made a fuckin solo trip with just you and Lola from Milwaukee to Austin, stayed in Memphis with just yall 2 and literally no panic attacks. never thought that would have ever been possible. lol having your gun around definitely helps. this year you realized that you used to be fat, how come no one told you omg. but that doesn’t matter because you have finally reached the weight you had on your vision board that you made in high school - 105. you got home from grad school and literally every single fuckin person in your life has said you lost so much weight - girl you didn’t even know it, you don’t got a scale in Milwaukee. but looking at past pics, holy shit girl you lost weight. you still got some to go but good job dude - don’t ever let yourself get that bad again. your new goal is to be 100, then you can stop stressing. lol you’ve been trying to lose weight literally since high school, and all it took was grad school and being depressed AFFFFFFFFF to lose 20 fuckin pounds! with the help of addy too. yeah you were depressed, started in the 2nd semester of grad school and was at its worse at in the 3rd semester. but you yourself, and Lola of course, pulled yourself out of that. you walked to the beach, appreciate the scenery, focus on the sound waves - learn to love life again. you’ve changed so much dude, I feel like you’ve finally lost all of your old self now. quarantining for covid made you finally truly clean your room and rearrange it. took the biggest cleanse of your life, and damn it was a struggle because you the biggest hoarder out here. you found your old pieces, crazy how you still got them, you found old pills, even weed - proud of you for throwing everything away finally, and real quick. because you did think about smoking some and pop a pill or two - what’s the worst thing that can happen right. bitch you know what can happen, normal people can do that but you have forever fucked your mind up, like physically and biologically fucked up your brain. the way drugs works on your brain and Dahni’s brain only has a dark side to it - drug induced psychosis - every time, no matter what or when or how long it’s been, you have forever fucked that up. yall dropped the ball on that shit, yall did it too much, esp the mind altering shit and will never be able to enjoy drugs again - but that’s okay. you don’t need that shit. okay for guys, fuckin listen to me here girl. we ain’t going into zayne or Terren - yo first 2 boyfriends was just dipping yo feet in the waters for dating. you already know what you learned from them. you know what you want and don’t you ever fuckin settle.”life is a mess when you settle for less.” I loved Arin, and I'll always love him. your dumbass almost married him but why, knowing he does not meet half yo standards. from Arin, you learned you want someone that treats you like a princess like he did, he always showed you off, he put you on a pedestal, you were legit his everything - you want someone that does that, where you are their everything. but you don’t want someone who gets angry like that, who lets problems get bigger and bigger til they explode - shit needs to be fixed immediately, if your their everything - shouldn’t they do everything in their power to make sure it stays like that. from josh, you learned you want someone who you can be your goofy self and have fun and literally laugh all the damn time with you - it was such a fun time with josh, yall really did have this amazing connection. he truly loved you and honestly truly loved you. I loved josh, and I'll always love him too. he was the first relationship you had after getting raped, and he showed you how to trust men again. these 2 dudes lacked goals and had different visions for the future from you. you’re such a goal oriented and family oriented person - they were not. you worked hard to get to where you are today, and continue to drop the guys and the people who will get in the way of your goals. friends too - if they ain’t with you, drop em. in the end, it’s your family who will always be there for you. lol you truly treat guys like shit dude and everyone knows it, you don’t even feel bad about it, maybe it’s from being raped, maybe it’s from that ginormous wall you’ve built, or maybe you’re just that afraid of getting hurt, but that’s okay, you can keep doing that, it’ll get rid of the weak ones - what you can’t do is treat the good ones like shit, like tai. you never expected to find a dude so different, but maybe that’s what you need. he’s the exact opposite of the typical guys you usually go for - a fuckin gamer, not 6 feet, lol even asian. you didn’t date tai but yall definitely had something for 6 months. he has never done drugs and doesn’t want to even try drugs - I didn’t know that was maybe something I needed in a guy. from tai, you learned that you do want someone who went to college, grad school is even better, super caring about you. at one point you did think he was going to be the one - he speaks Vietnamese, he’s in pharmacy school, he can game with your brother. he may seem perfect but you learned a lot of shit you don’t want in someone. you’re not on social media a lot anymore, other than snapchat. you even had insta deleted for months - then when school ended for winter break, it took you awhile to download insta again, but when you did, you made one post and never got on it again. tai is super in the social media world, and you don’t want that. you’re starting to be someone who really lives in the moment, the shit happening right in front of you matters to you more, you don’t want someone super into the social media world. he doesn’t treat you like you’re a priority to him, he actually makes it clear that he actually doesn’t give two shits about you - so why you allowing yourself putting any efforts into that. the second he’s upset, he’ll drag that shit out and won’t try to fix shit at all - you need someone who will fix shit right then and there so yall don’t go to sleep at night angry, you need someone who will fight and continue fighting for you no matter what. he doesn’t apologize for shit and when he does, there is always an excuse - you need someone who owns up to shit and apologizes sincerely. you deserve someone who truly cares about you and is committed to you, they need to do anything in their power to keep you and show you love you and not give up on you. you did not get gang raped to settle down for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. you did not graduate from UT and get into grad school for someone who causes you mental stress and make you unhappy. you did not grow into this strong, independent, brilliant ass woman to date someone who makes you question your worth. you deserve someone who continuously challenges you to be your best self and make you feel beautiful. cami said you deserve someone who spoils you, and she is damn fuckin right. you have come so far, getting sober, getting into grad school, someone needs to feel lucky as fuck they have you. but what’s the common denominator between all these dudes - quit pushing guys away, quit purposely ruining shit because you’re scared of shit, quit getting pissed because they don’t react the way you wanted, quit overthinking shit because you’re usually fuckin wrong. just don’t settle for less but allow yourself to get close. your trust issues ain't going anywhere, but learn to put your guard down a tad bit, let yourself get hurt - it’ll only make you into a stronger bitch than you already are. nothing will ever hurt you nearly as much when you got raped. if you got through that, you can literally get through anything. a lot has happened in the last 4 years, but you know what you need to focus on. continue working on your best self. keep thriving and surviving. maybe we’ll self reflect and reorient again when grad school is over in a couple years and you’re back in Austin. just be happy <3 do your best and fuck the rest

[undeservedfavor]

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The Bucketlist

Mini-Series of Short Stories

SILK-Should I Let him Know[EN]:Chapter 3/FINALE

Phoebe decided to go out to the school garden and appreciated all of it before it's gone.

She sat on the swing, not caring if her dress get dirty...

"Bye School... You may not know it, but I will miss you." She whispered.

"I'll miss you too..." A voice said from behind.

Phoebe almost jumped out of the swing...

"Oh! Joshua! You scared the hell out of me..." Joshua laughed at her reaction.

"How come after all these years, you haven't still recognized me?" Josh asked.

"What?" Phoebe looked confused.

"Alright... I'll give you a clue." Joshua said as he inhaled air to make his stomach expand like he just swallowed a watermelon.

Well, it's not that effective since the man has developed six pack abs due to non-stop working out through the years...

Then, he widely opened his mouth...

"Hey!!! What are you geeks up to?! I'll tell on you!!!" His voice deep and childish at the same time as he mimic an old dialogue.

"Oh my Gosh! J-josh? Is that you? You lost weight. And... It looked good on you." Phoebe said.

"Yep. But I'm so not your middleschool bully anymore." Josh said laughing a bit.

Phoebe was about to go down the swing but Josh stopped her...

"No, don't go down, I'll give you a push..." Josh said smiling to her.

And he did.

He pushed Phoebe gently on the swing as they talk.

"Why are you alone? Don't you have a date?" Phoebe asked.

"Hey, I should be asking a beautiful woman like you the same question, but to answer your question... I went to the ball alone because she kinda, ditched me..." Phoebe laughed.

"I like seeing you laugh. It's been a while. I also wanted to say sorry..." Josh said.

"Why?" Phoebe asked.

"I blamed myself for what happened to your leg. If I wasn't such a bad kid... You wouldn't end up in that well anyway." Josh explained.

"It's not your fault... I was never mad at you." Phoebe said.

"Phoebe?" Josh called. She turned her head.

"Yes Josh-..." Phoebe was cut off.

She was shocked as he kissed her.

Phoebe kissed him back.

Neither one of them knows that someone accidentally saw them...

When their lips parted...

Josh spoke...

"I have to go Phoebe. I have to go to a job interview tomorrow. I applied for a job in advance. Don't ask sweetheart. I need it badly." Josh said smiling as Phoebe nodded.

With that, Josh left.

Phoebe decided to sneak into the building.

To the classroom that she and Zoriah shared memories together.

"And I thought school took so long to finish..." Phoebe said to herself.

"Time flies when you're having fun..." A familiar figure stood at the door.

"Zack?" She asked.

"Why did you kiss him?" He asked.

"You saw-?" She was cut off when Zack harshly pinned her to the wall and kissed her roughly.

Her crutch fell on the floor.

Phoebe used all of her strength and pushed him away...

"Why?! You liked me from the beginning right?!" Zack asked.

"What? T-this can't happen between us Zack. Zoriah loves you so much. She needs you." Phoebe's eyes began to water.

Zack's expression softened in front of the crying woman.

"You're right... I'm sorry..." Zack whispered and picked up Phoebe's crutch and gave it to her.

Then, Phoebe picked up her pace and she went to the door to get away from the man...

He chased her to the University building's entrance.

"Phoebe... W-will I see you again?" Zack asked her.

Phoebe just smiled to him, she turned her back and closed the glass doors.

Two years after...

Life happened and they have lived it how the paths has lead them...

Separate lives.

"Once again, thank you for calling Parker and Welsing Customer Service, have great day. Bye." Phoebe's closing spiel made it.

It's O'clock.

"And Log-out guys! Good job, our sales went higher this week." Their team leader announced as the floor was filled with applause.

"Looks like someone's going home early." Her teammate teased.

"She's in a hurry. Do you have a date?" Her other teammate Grace asked wriggling her thick jungle brows on her.

Phoebe just laughed a bit and shook her head at the comment.

"Caught you red-handed girl." The other teammate commented laughing.

Phoebe blushed.

"Geez, my last customer's really mad. Said he ain't dying yet so why sell him insurance... Phoebs... How many insurance deals did you close today?" The other teammate asked as they're on the lockers getting their stuff.

"Eleven." Phoebe casually answered.

"Wow, our team leader's right, you are good." One exclaimed.

"Is your boyfriend gonna fetch you?" Phoebe nodded.

"Yes, he's downstairs." She said.

"Is he still going overseas to for his dream?" Grace asked.

"Well, it's job offer as an animator. It's his first love but because of me... He's still thinking about it." Phoebe sighed.

"Why don't you go with him?" Grace said.

"Nah... It's not that easy. He was only sponsored. Me? Where will I get the money to go with him? And besides, he already let me fulfilled my dream. I have worked as a part-time science teacher, even though that I'm not getting a lot from the job while he's earning hard. He said, he's doing that for our future. That's the reason I have applied for this job, I think I'll earn a little more here." Phoebe explained.

"Future? Maybe he's planning to propose to you." Grace commented.

"I'm thankful if he does but I still won't get my hopes up. Marriage is such a big step." Phoebe said.

"Well, if you say so... See yah Phoebs! Ciao!" Grace said as they part ways.

Just then, Josh decided to take her out on a restaurant like their usual...

Later, Phoebe spoke...

"Are you going to Zoriah and Zack's wedding?" She asked Josh.

"Nope. I have to work that day..." Her boyfriend answered.

"Well, if you're not going, then I'm not going too." Said Phoebe.

"Too clingy... I'm living for it though." Josh laughed a bit.

"Uhm... Josh?" Phoebe called out.

"Yes?" He said.

"I know how you thought hard about the job offer you got and-..." Phoebe was cut off.

"I will decline it." Josh immediately said, blocking his girlfriend's words.

"I'm grateful that after all these years, you have been with me... Josh. We both know that declining it, is not really what you want. Thank you for always being there and taking care of me. You've let me do whatever I want, now it's your turn. I will never hold you off and take you away from your first love." She addressed seriously.

Her eyes shed tears as she was speaking.

"W-well, if that's how you look af it but... Phoebs... I'll be back for you. I will marry you Phoebs..." Josh said.

His eyes are getting dewy as well.

"D-don't make promises you're yet not certain that you can keep. I know you'll be happier fulfilling your dream there, even without me. Do not hesitate and go for it. I'll be okay." Phoebe said smiling to Josh...

Josh stood up and went across the table go reach his girlfriend, and hugged Phoebe...

"Thank you..." He whispered to the woman.

Years later, after Phoebe's leg operation and therapy.

She fully recovered.

Then, she went hiking with her new hope.

She's with her mom and dad as well...

When she got to the top along with the other climbers, she walked away a little from them to take in and appreciate how beautiful and peaceful it is.

She so was consumed by the beauty and her thoughts...

I wonder how and what are they doing right now?

Zoriah, Josh and...

Zack.

'Should I still let him know?'

Nah, I'll pass.

They guy's married to my bestfriend Zoriah and I'm sure that they're both very happy now.

I owe it to Josh that I'm here in this beautiful place by myself, now I know I'm not alone.

I have my family...

They're my first and last love.

It's okay to have it that way.

She looked at her parents taking pictures and selfies with the breath-taking background.

Someday, I'll live in a place like this. Serene and free...

'Freedom.'

It doesn't always mean that you need to be out there.

Like the frogs trapped in the well that doesn't need to be saved if it doesn't really want to...

It also doesn't always relate to love.

Sometimes, being able to reflect, focus on one's self and realizing own worth, away from the prying eyes, is the greatest freedom of all.

And when it comes to loving someone freely...

You don't need to always let them know that you love them, 'cause if you really do, they will feel too.

Eventually.

"You seemed pre-occupied. Mind if I join you in your thoughts?" A familiar man's voice said beside her.

She turned her head with tears in her eyes...

Her lips parted and spoke...

"Josh?" She asked smiling.

The man nodded.

"You're one and only... I'll never leave you again. I'll take care of you forever if I have to..." Josh said smiling back and she hugged him tightly.

~END